i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
