All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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