I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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