just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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