i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
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