I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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