well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
