Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
