Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
