Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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