Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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