I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
