the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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