You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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