rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
