took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
