btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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