found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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