This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
being pregnant is like rehab
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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