I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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