i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
