Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
