she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
