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I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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