She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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