Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
