I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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