god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
