I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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