Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
