Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
