Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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