I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
