What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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