STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
