I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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