Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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