Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
