just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
