you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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