Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
