I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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