sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
