You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
