Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
