two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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