dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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