The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
