Dual....:-)
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
