i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
