Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
