hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
