I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
