dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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