nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
