Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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